10 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

1. I rarely brush my teeth at night. 

2. I roll my eyes when I am better served nodding my head. 

3. In the past (and sometimes present), you have asked for my help and I’ve not helped you to the best of my ability because I was afraid that I would come off as a slimy saleslady... even though you were the one asking for help.

4. I want to build a business by doing the opposite of what everyone else is doing. Even though it’s good to be a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios, I am really just afraid of what it takes to actually build a business and that I am not cut out for it, after all.

5. I am often paralyzed by all that needs to be done, and how easy it is to do, but I don’t know where to start or how to ask for help. So I end up getting lost in social media for hours, or lying on my couch binge watching a show and berating myself. 

6. My friend is stroking my back as I write this list and I almost want cancel this whole section because this is the stuff that really matters. I’m so loved… what the fuck is wrong with me? 

7. I am secretly afraid that I am not meant to have children… so I tell myself (and other people) that I don’t want them anyway.

8. Living “one day at a time” is actually very hard. Recovery is also hard. Sobriety is even harder… but, it’s better than the denial, addiction, compulsions, resentment and the rage that has lived in my heart for so many years.

9. I am grateful, angry, explosive with joy and completely heartbroken

and…

10. I love being alive. I love wearing my stunna shades under a gazebo when the sun is shining and good God, it’s a beautiful life.

Such a beautiful, beautiful life. 

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